DOGGY DOOR

Could you imagine coming home from work to find this tiny creature napping on your couch with your dog?  Guess who came home for dinner? It followed this beagle home, right through the doggy door This happened in Maryland recently.   The owner came home to find the visitor had made himself right at home..   This hit the 6 o’clock news big time.

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Isn’t this adorable? Send this to all your friends,

especially the animal lovers and give them a big smile.

 

SCOTCH ~ Some light laugh………..

           On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

 

The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

 

The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.   

 

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.  

 

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.  

 

“Is it wine?” she guessed.       

 

“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and   asked, “Champagne?”

 

“No,” said the little boy………….”It’s a puppy!”

WHO CARES ????

English: The Forgetful Professor

English: The Forgetful Professor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
**********
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.
I’m retired. Go around me.
**********
GOD grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
*****
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
*****
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter … I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????

Seth MacFarlane

Seth MacFarlane Will Be ‘Simpsons’ Guest-Voice Next Season

<> on April 5, 2012 in Hollywood, California.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) — Seth MacFarlane may already have three hit animated television shows, one hit raunchy comedy movie and the coveted Oscars hosting job for next year, but the comedian is adding another notch on his resume: guest voicing on “The Simpsons.”

“Family Guy” creator MacFarlane will appear in the season premiere of the 25th season of “The Simpsons” in 2013, Fox Television, home to both shows, said on Friday.

MacFarlane will play a married man who pursues matriarch Marge Simpson after the two meet on a website and form a bond over their love of a “Downton Abbey-esque” show called “Upton Rectory,” show producer Al Jean told Entertainment Weekly.

The episode will be titled “Dangers on a Train.”

MacFarlane’s guest spot is a crossover for the actor, writer and director, who was inspired by “The Simpsons” when creating “Family Guy,” an animated comedy following the dysfunctional Griffin family headed by dim-witted patriarch Peter, who bears similarities to Homer Simpson.

Both shows air on Fox, and the news comes after MacFarlane featured Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer Simpson, in a recent “Family Guy” episode.

MacFarlane, 39, also created and voices characters for animated comedies “American Dad” and “The Cleveland Show,” and he had a box-office hit with R-rated comedy “Ted” this past summer.

He will be hosting the Oscars in February.

 

Hang in There!

Rope

Rope (Photo credit: lovestruck.)

11 PEOPLE … ON A ROPE

11 PEOPLE … ON A ROPE Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . … . . .

 

Ready to Laugh…..???

May Day Postcard

May Day Postcard (Photo credit: paukrus)

Blonde Pilot

 

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater  airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.  And I don’t know how to fly. Help me!  Please help me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air  Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and  get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this  kind of problem.   ‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!  Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I support  Obama.”

“O.K.” says the voice on the radio…. “Repeat after me: Our  Father. Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

Jose and Carlos

José and Carlos

are beggars.

They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time

as José, but collects only

about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.

José brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar

bills every day. He drives a Mercedes,

lives in a mortgage-free house, and has

a lot of money to spend.

“Hey, amigo,” Carlos says to José,

“I work just as long and hard as you do,

so how come you bring home a suitcase

full of ten dollar bills every day?

José says,

“Look at your sign, what does it say?”

Carlos reads his sign:

“I have no work, a wife

and six kids to support.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Carlos asks him.

“No wonder you only get

$8.00 or $9.00 a day!” says José.

Carlos says,

“All right, what is on your sign?”

José shows him:

Jose and Carlos

Chuck the Rooster

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, “SIR, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”

 

George with Chuck

THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.”

“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT   “WE CAN’T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.”

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

 

Mildred and Marge

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

“MARGE,” WHISPERED MILDRED.

“WHAT?” SAID MARGE.

“I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE?

“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.

“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE.. “AT OUR AGE WE’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL”

“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED, “BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’ MY POPCORN…!”

 

Then you wonder why

This is SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD

….Then you wonder why

John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock

 (MADE IN JAPAN )

for 6 am ..

While his coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA)

was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG)

He put on a

dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

and

tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA)

he sat down with his

calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO)

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his

watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS

(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search

for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging

and fruitless day

checking his

Computer

(made in MALAYSIA ),

John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL ),

poured himself a glass of

wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his

TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can’t

find a good paying job

in AMERICA

AND NOW HE’S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

MADE IN KENYA

You gotta keep this one circulating!

BUY AMERICAN DAMMIT!!!!!!!

Call of Wildman

Image: Video still of raccoon in car (© Animal Planet)

Via Animal Planet MORE here

Frogs for GRANDPAS

(Grandma said so)

 

OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her

Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts

into her Grandpa’s room …”Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As

soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you

croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !!!

 

 

 

Drafting Guys Over 60

Drafting Guys Over 60  

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier… New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10  seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn’t even liketo get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.  These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!!

You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.

They’ll have it secured the first night!

P R I C E L E S S !!

Balloon (aircraft)

Image via Wikipedia

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a
man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
“You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of
2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is
technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and
I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

P R I C E L E S S !!

LADY DRIVERS OVER 50!?

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding..
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone’s day, pass this on to someone you know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!

How do you SLEEP?

When it comes to sleeping – I suppose that when one (or more) are tired and need sleep we can sleep just about anywhere.  Have you ever had an unusual sleeping spot.  Any of the ones in this site – have you done?

Sleepers -

The Big Picture

 

 

 

Find more below

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/08/sleepers.html

Friends …

… you judge………….

 

Friends

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, “If the current administration is in office much longer,
Canned goods and ammunition are your best bet.”

 

 

Materialistic Lawyer

Lexus GS 300

Image via Wikipedia

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most import ant things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)

“My Rolex !!!!”

Why write a blog? Top Ten (via Hobbling Around)

 

Found this interesting read & I think you will tooooo!

Looks like she is NEW to WP – so a warm welcome to her!

10. You tried out for “America’s Got Talent” and didn’t make the cut. 9. You are too fat to leave the house. 8. The kids think you are “working” when you write. 7. You are a conspiracy theorist and don’t trust people who are “real”. 6. You are too boring in person. 5. Life offers too many stupid people and situations to ignore. 4. You want to be able to look back some day and say “see, I told you so” 3. You have too much time to sit around and do … Read More

via Hobbling Around

Texting For Seniors

thought the following listing was appropriate….after all; the kids have all their little codes…like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
 
ATD – At the Doctor’s
 
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
 
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
 
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
 
CBM – Covered by Medicare
 
CUATSC - See You at the SeniorCenter
 
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
 
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
 
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
 
FYI – Found Your Insulin
 
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
 
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
 
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
 
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
 
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
 
LOL – Living on Lipitor
 
LWO - Lawrence Welk‘s On
 
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
 
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
 
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
 
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
 
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
 
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
 
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
 
WWNO -WalkerWheels Need Oil
 
HTH – Hope these help!
 
GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in
 
 

Inner Peace

 

Inner Peace

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people

with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to

give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 

…Then You Are Probably………

 

The Family Dog!

 

Annual Physical

 
 
 
 

After the eighty-three-year-old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

“You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

“Henry, do we still have intercourse?” And there was a hush!

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times… What we have is…….

Blue Cross!!”

Gotta love older people!

 

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting  sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you were better looking it would lift itself.”

Good – Better – Best

GOOD
In Warwick, a Rhode Island State Trooper was running
radar. He had a  perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn’t  getting any. Then he discovered the problem.
A 12 year old boy was  standing up the road with a hand
painted sign which read ‘RADAR TRAP  AHEAD!’ The
officer later found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading,’TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.
(Beats a lemonade  stand!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his  car speeding
through an automated radar post in Cranston, RI   A
$40.00 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the  police department a picture of$40.00.   The
police responded  with another mailed photo of
handcuffs.

BEST
A  young woman was pulled over in Providence, RI
for speeding. As the RI  State Trooper walked to her car
window, flipping open his ticket book,  she said, ‘I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Rhode  Island
State Police Ball.’ He replied, ‘ RI State Troopers
don’t  have balls.’  There was a moment of silence
while she smiled and he  realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his  patrol car and
left.   She was laughing too hard to start her  car.

Does anyone want a dog?

 
 
My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog, “Sunshine”, did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog – I’m installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They’re cheaper and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.
 
A photo of “Sunshine” is attached.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Remember to obey the rules……

 

 

‘Rules Are Rules’

It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , Kansas ,when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina ..


The Bad news:

Just a few miles into the trip, a wheel-bearing became overheated, and
melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail,
creating white hot molten-metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

The Good news:
A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train, and
immediately stopped the train in compliance with the Union Pacific
Safety Rules.

The Bad news:
The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge, with
creosote ties and trusses.

The crew tried to explain to CEO ‘Higher-Ups’, but were
instructed NOT to move the train !

They were instructed
‘The Rules Book’ prohibits
moving the train when a part is defective !

REMEMBER… RULES ARE RULES!
Don’t
EVER/NEVER let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!

 

Why parents get grey hair

boss

Image by Cibernya via Flickr

 

The boss wondered why one of his employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee‘s home phone number and was greeted with a child‘s whisper.

Hello ? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’

Yes, he’s out in the garden ,’ whispered the small voice. ‘

May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, No .’ ;

So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’

Yes, she’s out in the garden too

& The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’

Again the small voice whispered, No .’

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

Yes.’ whispered the child, A policeman. ‘

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘Well, may I speak with the policeman?’

No, he’s busy. ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

It’s a helicopter. answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly worried.

The search team just landed a helicopter.

‘A search team?’ said the boss. ‘What are they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, Me!

From a Child

Things children will say…………

President’s Day

I was eating lunch today with my 14 year old grandson when his mom asked him  “What is tomorrow?”

He said “It’s President’s Day”

She asked “What does that mean?” …. I was waiting for something profound…

He said  “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment.”